The Right Path

Posted on Sun Aug 11th, 2024 @ 6:40pm by Jean Grey & Bliss Hawkins

4,854 words; about a 24 minute read

Mission: Episode 5: Days of Fortune Past
Location: X-Mansion
Timeline: October 10, 1990

The house meeting had been a touch dramatic towards the end, so Jean took a moment in the dining room for herself. Lost in her own thoughts, Jean didn’t hear the other person as they neared and then entered the room. The act of being caught off guard was a novel one for the telepath and it caused her to uncharacteristically jump in surprise as she left her headspace.

“Oh, hello Bliss. I’m sorry, I was thinking about something and didn’t hear you coming.” Jean turned away from the window to face her. “How are you doing today?”

Bliss had been looking for some quiet place to put her angry inner demons to rest. Connor was incessantly trying to help her, but all he did just aggravated her more. That just made her feel worse. It was like kicking a puppy. She needed something to hit, something to beat up, something to take out her frustration and aggression. Even the Danger Room had lost its charm in that regard. She needed something living that she could pulp. But instead of finding what she was looking for she found Jean. “Nothing that a month in Bali and a bottomless pitcher of mimosas wouldn't take the edge off. But I wanted to take you up on your offer to talk...”

Bliss opened the door to the backyard and held it open.
"If you'll join me in my office….?"

Jean chuckled a little at Bliss’ response. Beyond being Xavier’s protege and her telepathy, Jean was naturally inclined to assist her teammates with their personal strife.

“A walk sounds nice Bliss. Thank you.” Jean fell into step with the blonde as they began to walk past the pool. “I love these woods, I would run through them almost everyday when I lived here. They’re so peaceful.”

Bliss nodded in agreement with Jean's words. “I get it. I love this place, even though I've only been here a few months. It just seems to wrap you in a warm cocoon of pleasantness. It's almost addicting." The blonde sighed as she looked around the grounds. “It's just a shame it doesn't make the problems we worry about go away. It's soothing, but like any narcotic the feeling fades leaving us with the original problem."

“I’ve always felt like this place was a safe space for people who are hurting. That whatever darkness or sadness loomed over your head or whatever ugly or angry things clawed at your inside, none of that would dampen this haven. You can be yourself here, you can face whatever hurts you or haunts you and you’ll be loved and embraced.” Jean paused and glanced back at the brick mansion with a fond smile. “Great things can happen here if you’re willing to face those problems.” Jean turned back around and continued to walk with Bliss, they left the manicured lawn and approached the tree line. “But gosh that’s hard to do sometimes, easier said than done, right?”

Bliss nodded with a sober expression. She stuck her hands in her jeans pockets and kicked at the loose bits of wood along the tree line. “We all develop ways to deal with our inner pain. Some people just put a smile on their face and ignore the gnawing anger hiding inside. Others embrace the pain to make themselves stronger in the short term. But in the long term there left a husk boiling with self hatred and nothing else. Or I could be just talking out my ass. We all have shit to take care of. We just have to learn some kind of healthy way to do that that doesn't leave us Young bitter and dangerous.”

“You aren’t wrong. We all have our monsters that need to be faced.” Jean agreed with her as they entered the woods. A few orange and red leaves clung to the trees but most were bare in preparation for winter. Their steps crunched and smashed the fallen leaves, making their walking louder than usually. “Do you feel like a husk sometimes?” The experienced telepath went to work asking Bliss about the intrusive thoughts she had picked up on during today's meeting.

Bliss knelt down to pick up some fallen leaves, examining them as if seeing them for the first time. “How does a husk feel? Empty? Or just filled with things that necessarily aren't you, but maybe stuff that makes you fit in better?” She examined the leaves as she walked.

“You’re describing the coping mechanisms of a survivor. I think it’s safe for me to say that you experienced some childhood abuse.” Jean looked up at the bare tree branches and located a massive, perfectly red oak leaf that still clung to the tree. With a flick of her finger the leaf fell from the tree and gently floated down into her hands. The leaf was bigger than both of her hands put together and it had yet to rip or tear from the autumnal process of shedding leaves.

“Do you want to talk about what you had to endure?” Jean offered Bliss the massive, perfect leave for her examination.

Bliss took the offered leaf with a sigh of mixed emotions. “Does it change things? I mean, I told people in charge back in Vegas, that's how I escaped the system. But I did that so the little kids behind me didn't go through the same hell I did. The system said I needed therapy, but they'd burned all trust with me.” She frowned as she examined the leaf. "A lot of good things have happened to me since I came here. It was easy to wear a smile even with all the turmoil. I'm used to a lack of stability. At least now I can fight for those that can't. But with the Savage land I feel like all the scabs have been torn off my old wounds. I'm angry with myself for being so weak.”

“Talking to someone changes everything,” Jean replied to her earlier question. “Simply the act of sharing can ease your mental burden. It releases some of the built up tension and pain while letting you know you aren’t alone in carrying those heavy feelings.”

Jean clicked her tongue in disapproval over Bliss’ confession. “You aren’t weak and you shouldn’t feel angry with yourself for experiencing something that triggered your unresolved trauma. It’s just proof that you need to address those old memories and feelings because they still have so much power over you.”

Bliss shrugged helplessly, flinging the leaf like a Frisbee. “Talking about it doesn't make the pain go away. Retribution and punishment and knowing that no kid is ever going to suffer from the same assholes? That'll take the edge off of it. But what do I have to lose?" Bliss began to spill out a litany of abusers over a number of years starting in the early years of her childhood, in her school age. "Both parents died in my early childhood. I started getting bounced around in the first few years because of behavioral issues. I had a couple of decent foster families here and there. People who didn't give up on me even when I was acting out. I was angry and I didn't know what to do. Even if I did, there's no one to listen to a little kid. But I got older and less opportunities presented themselves to the real child abusers. The ones that tried, paid a price. Those were the ones who triggered my x-gene. There was a lot of pent-up anger in pain inside me. And they presented plenty of opportunities for me to express that. Eventually they decided it was better to get me out of the system before I killed somebody." Bliss sighed and kicked a rock. "So rather than dwell on things I can't change, I try to focus on things I can. I've been trying to put my focus on improving myself so I can protect kids that never had a chance before. I'm still pissed off because I was made to feel helpless again in the Savage Land. That brought a lot of old feelings to the surface. It's hard to be a hero to others when you can't even save yourself."

Jean huffed out a sigh in response to Bliss’ story, she felt her pain and anger as she spoke along with that hopelessness that the Savage Land had created. It was hard to feel so small and helpless, feelings that Jean could unfortunately relate to. “I’m sorry you had to go through that Bliss.” Jean didn’t really seem to pity her over it but she did empathize with her struggles. “And I know how crippling those memories can be.”

“I really haven’t publicly shared where I have been these past several months. But I was held as a prisoner where I was collared and tortured in a brutal manner.” Jean swallowed roughly before she continued, this conversation still seemed hard for her. “I have previous trauma surrounding death, it was in a moment of loss that my telepathy awoke. The torture I was forced to endure, I experienced death over and over, each time my telepathy and empathy would flare without my consent and I died with them. My body and my mind were assaulted again and again until I too wanted to die. My torture made me beg for the thing I feared most. When Scott rescued me, I was a shell of my former self. I was plagued by crippling nightmares and anxiety that felt so real I thought I was still held captive… there were times when I was paralyzed by my memories and my fears.” Jean plucked another pristine red oak leaf from a tree. She held it in her hands and examined its fleeting beauty. “It’s so incredibly hard to hold onto yourself in those terrible moments. A lot of people don’t understand how overwhelming the past can be, how much it influences your future. But I’ve found that investing in myself and remembering my worth and my abilities has saved me. I am the only person who is in control of my future, these feelings that make me feel small and worthless are merely ghosts. My light can banish them as long as I remember who I am.”

Jean let the leaf go and it floated away on a telekinetic breeze. “You are capable and kind, Bliss. You care for others in such a fierce manner and we both know how strong you are both mentally and physically. Don’t ever forget that.”

“Thanks." Bliss was no bubbly blonde, but her simple gratitude was clear. She started fishing through her pockets for something as Jean continued.

Jean headed towards a slightly obscured deer trail and gestured for Bliss to follow. Her thoughts turned towards Bliss’ connections not just to this place but to the people. “Do you have any friends here? Besides Connor I mean.”

Bliss followed Jean, paying attention to the pathway as best she could. "Kennedy. She's my roommate. She's been put through hell because of her family. But she didn't deserve to see her dad's head explode on live television either, no matter how much of a bigot he was. Then there's Hoodwink. She's ok. I've tried with the little kids. Most of them are so young and a few are traumatized. I just try to ease their time here. They're what the X-Men are fighting for.”

Jean nodded her head in agreement. The smaller children tugged at her heartstrings too. “If you want to spend some time in the city helping at the Beat Street Club. I honestly could use the help, I’ll be so busy in January with our wedding and then the baby, and eventually out of town. Knowing that someone is checking in with them during that time would be a huge relief for me.”

Bliss offered a shrug, but Jean could feel a gleam of excited energy from the blonde over that task. “Sure, that's cool with me." She looked around with confusion. "Where are we, anyway?”

“Further into the woods on the Mansion grounds. I think it clips the National Park at some point.” Jean telekinetic pushed the thick leaf litter from off the forest floor and a more obvious trail was exposed. “I used to run this path on an almost daily basis when I lived here.”

Jean looked up at the gray fall sky through the naked trees. “Though I suppose you could just fly back if you wanted to. How’s your training going? Your powers are changing, right?”

Bliss nodded with a worried frown."Yeah. Everyday is a roulette wheel. I go through some sort of traumatic event, I come out with a power up. At the rate I'm going, I don't know what's next.” Bliss pulled out a weathered pack of cigarettes. She offered it to Jean. “It's kind of funny. I came here so confident. Now everyday I feel like I'm losing ground. I mean I don't know how to approach things. I took on Juggernaut. That was months ago. Jumped right into it, it was almost fun. Now look at me. I thought I was tougher than this. I mean yeah I got my ass kicked. In this business it's going to happen. But I won't let myself become some wimpy god-damned girl hostage." Bliss punched a sturdy tree with enough force to splinter three inches deep. The combined crunch of wood disintegrating and bones splintering echoed in the immediate area. “I won't.”

Jean’s brow only furrowed slightly from the outburst, but she was happy that they had finally reached the sore and sensitive topic. “Is that how you viewed yourself at that moment? That you were delegated to nothing more than a victim?”

Bliss leaned against the tree, her face flush with the bark. "I don't ever want to feel like I did when I was a child again. Hopeless, helpless…only the gift of my powers saved me. And when my powers were stripped away…it happened again."

“So without your powers you consider yourself helpless?” Jean considered that for a moment combined with Bliss’ reaction to Connor being made leader. “Is that why you frown on being ‘wimpy’ and define yourself by your mutant strength? That the greatest attribute you have is what your X-Gene gives you?”

Bliss shrugged helplessly. “Without my abilities, I'm a poorly educated kid with serious psychological issues including astonishing anger issues." She shook off the throb in her hand and stalked around in a circle. “At least that's what my copy of my evaluation from the Clark County Children's Welfare Department said. Unless I can leap tall buildings or have bullets bounce off my perfect smile, what am I? Look at my performance in the Savage Land. I got captured, robbed of my powers, turned into a chew toy by the bad guys, and my team had to rescue my useless ass like some god-damned damsel in distress. I want …I need to be the one helping the people needing help, not just being yet another victim with their hand out waiting for rescue."

Jean sighed as Bliss explained what she considered to be her shortcomings and the only possible solution to compensate for them. “Bliss, you have value as a person outside of your abilities, you aren’t less because you aren’t the strongest person in the room and you aren’t a failure if you need help from other people. How you perceive yourself, as poorly educated and with mental health issues, you can change those things. The education available at this school rivals many private academies and while mental health issues are not your fault, they are your responsibility.”

Jean paused for a moment, Bliss seemed like a straight shooter who didn’t need things sugar coated. “You have low self esteem tied to your past and how others treated you. Your mutant abilities developed and they became the cover up fix-all to your problems. So when they are missing, you’re left with all the trauma that was never addressed. Just because you turn the lights off in a room, it doesn’t mean the objects inside of it actually go away.”

“You said you need to be the person helping, not another victim waiting for salvation,” Jean continued “I propose that you consider yourself the person who needs assistance. That you take your drive to save people and turn it inward on yourself. Except, this battle isn’t fought with fists, but it does require strength and endurance in order to weather it.”

Bliss listened to Jean with focus. The words carried weight with the blonde. Everyone looked up to Jean as the only woman on the first five. She had been through many challenges and tests and returned to help others. That carried enormous influence with Bliss. Bliss had always seemed so positive and confident before the Savage land. Her experience had shaken her to the core. It exposed a number of weaknesses that she could not ignore further. “I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've never liked asking for help. It rarely was given, and sometimes it even led to fresh problems."

Bliss moved closer, and Jean could feel as well as see the pain in the teenager glaring from within. “I need help. I don't know how to do what you're asking me to do. I just want to be the best I can be. I don't know how much time I have left. With this law against our people coming at us, I'm not going to give up what I am."

“Admitting you need help and wanting to be better are the first steps and probably the most important ones.” Jean reached out and wrapped an arm around Bliss. Jean allowed her to feel a touch of her telepathic presence, that warm and welcoming sense of belonging that held so much hope and optimism. “It will take some time and I won’t lie to you, it’s going to be hard at times. But it will get better once you face all those terrible things.”

Bliss nodded soberly, but Jean could easily hear the blonde's quiet voice.
"I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, somewhere that I can help people…is that wrong?"

“Of course not, it’s human nature.” Jean matched her soft tone. “I think all of us wanted that and found that here.”

Jean gave Bliss a moment to think about things and to soak in the inviting sense of sanguines she provided. Jean believed in her and she was committed to helping Bliss.

“So we take it one step at a time.” Jean gave her a small squeeze. “We have to start with the parts that hurt the most but we’ll go slow and in the meantime you can help me in the city too. Heal from the past and look towards the future.”

“I'm all in. I'll do anything to get this poison out of me. Until I can I'm fighting myself as well as any combatant." Bliss looked up to the redhead with a sincere expression of gratitude. "Thank you. You know, in all my travels I always wanted to have a big sister. I'm not used to having someone I can count on like you or Connor."

“I would love to be your big sister.” Jean said with a touch of emotion in her voice, not just for Bliss but for Lorna who was still lost to them.

“I do have a little bit of homework for you.” Jean proposed “I would like you to start keeping a journal. Write in it every day or whenever you can. It doesn’t have to be complicated or lengthy, you could even draw pictures if you wanted. But I’d like you to start documenting what you’re feeling and what moments are making you feel angry or sad. Then we’ll start talking about them together. My hope is that it will help you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns. We can track any symptoms so that you can recognize triggers and learn ways to better control them. And it will provide an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviors.”

Bliss sighed at the request before she shrugged and then finally relented. “Guess it's better than sitting in a circle of folding chairs talking about why my mother didn't love me."

“I can’t just scrub your brain and make you forget about everything bad that happened.” Jean said with a small smile, “Well technically I could, but that would be immoral and it would change you as a person.” She grew serious again, “At least try it for a little bit, until we can talk again. If you hate it, we’ll try something else.”

"Fine, I'll write down everything. Then I can sell it to Hollywood and they can make a movie with it. I can call it… Mutant Dearest. Who will play you? The compassionate yet flaming hot role model for our plucky, complicated heroine?”

Jean tried to ignore her sarcasm over the journal and laughed at the description Bliss provided.“Oh I hardly ever watch movies or television, I’m no good at naming starlets. I’ve watched more movies since Bobby moved in with us than I have in the past year but it’s all action movies.”

The redhead waved off the idea, “I give you permission to cast whomever you deem appropriate. I trust your vision.”

"That's your first mistake…" Bliss sat down on a rock and ran her fingers through her loose hair. “What am I gonna do about Connor? I want to be supportive. But I'm also a bit surly the Prof didn't even consider me. Or worse, he did and he passed.”

“Bliss, we just finished talking about your mental health and all the unaddressed issues you are struggling with… and not too long ago, you were sent to Muir on a mental health sabbatical.” Jean continued to provide Bliss with the straightforward explanation but her tone remained gentle. “Taking the role of leader requires an enormous amount of focus, additional effort, and attention to the team as a whole. I’m not saying your role can’t change but it’s pretty clear you need to work on yourself before you take on the additional burden of the welfare of a team. If some of your previous issues appear in the middle of a mission and you’re unable to respond appropriately, it puts everyone at risk.”

Jean shook her head in disapproval of her blunt response simply because the truth could hurt sometimes. “I’m sorry to break that to you in such a direct manner but I don’t want you holding animosity towards Connor because you don’t know why a choice was made.”

The redhead sat down next to Bliss on the large rock. “Where does your relationship with Connor currently stand? The fact that your first reaction to his success is jealousy, I think that’s something we should talk about.”

Jean's words struck deep into Bliss's heart. Her shoulders slumped and Jean could feel the younger woman's resolve crumble like wet cardboard. The emotional armor melted. “I'm not good for him, Jean. At best I'm a distraction. At worst I'll get the whole team killed.” Her warped clarity twisted inside her like snakes on hot asphalt. “All I want is a place to feel like home, someone to love… but I'm more of a danger than the costumed idiots we fight on a daily basis.” Hot tears trailed down her cheeks. "I'm so awful. I'm never going to be right. How can I be jealous of Connor? He's been nothing but sweet to me. I love him… I am so fucked up. I'll put that in my journal."

“Come on now, take a deep breath.” Jean wrapped an arm over Bliss’ shoulders as she began to cry and tried not to furrow her brow too much over her snarky comment about journaling. The resources were all around her, Bliss just needed to reach out for them. The teenager needed to face all the ugly things in her past if she wanted to stop feeling like this. It was time for Bliss to take action or she would continue to fail. So Jean continued to be forward with her, because she needed that push to finally move. “Do you want to overcome these obstacles or do you want to wallow in them?”

Jean asked the question but wasn’t really looking for a definitive answer. Bliss would have to decide for herself if she wanted to put in the effort to move past these obstacles. Jean could push and prod all she wanted but in the end, Bliss would have to make the choice to move forward. It was a very similar question that Xavier had asked her as a little girl. “Oftentimes, jealousy comes from feeling insecure or afraid. We’ve hit on a lot of reasons why you could feel jealous about Connor’s promotion. But at the root of all of that is changing the belief system you currently hold about yourself and about other people. You have to face your trauma and restore your self confidence. You have to believe you are someone who is valuable, lovable, trusting, social, and able to find love… even without your powers.”

There was a pause as Bliss considered everything, it carried on for long enough that the silence spoke volumes to Jean. Bliss wasn't ready for this, at least not this much this quickly. Despite Jean's desire to have Bliss to jump into this healing process with both feet, it had to be her choice.

"Look Bliss, I want to help you. I really do." Jean managed to remain kind despite the mental walls Bliss was building between them. "But I feel like you aren't ready or wanting to look in the mirror, at least with me."

There was another pause before Jean continued, "The best I can offer you is options, but in the end it's up to you to decide which one is the best for you. You are your own best advocate. If you want to work with me, keep journaling and collecting your thoughts into a central location. When I come back to the mansion again, find me and we can talk. I won't press you further. I'll wait for you to come to me if you want us to talk more."

Jean stood up and brushed her jeans clean after sitting on the rock, "You are also free to speak to the Professor whenever you want. Day or night, he will always listen. I've woken him up at 2 a.m. and reached out to him while he was in Los Angeles on vacation and he has always made the time to talk, he'll do the same for you. But Xavier is hands off when it comes to personal issues, he is very much an advocate for self-help and self-guided insight. He will not chase you and demand you address your personal demons but he will always assist you when asked. I know that the first step with him might seem... intimidating. But I promise you he is a good man with true insight, he will help you if you ask."

Jean offered Bliss a hand to help her stand but Bliss remained seated on the rock. Jean continued, "Last, if you want to find a traditional therapist, there are several in Salem Center to pick from. You could take the bus to appointments and you would have a private meeting with someone completely separate from the school and our dynamics. Sometimes that total disconnection between home and therapy can be encouraging, it feels like you can leave your problems with someone else. There is health insurance provided for all students and the bills are sent to the mansion for any care provided, all that information is in your handbook... hopefully you still have it from when you first started attending the school."

There was another long pause and Bliss was no longer looking at Jean. Knowing that she wanted space, Jean got ready to leave "I understand all of this is hard and ugly. That there are times when it feels pointless to reflect on the past because it's done and gone. But you're still carrying a lot of weight and trauma from what has happened to you, Bliss. I hope you find the fortitude to work on overcoming all of that, because you are definitely worth it."

Jean continued deeper into the woods, the deer trail as familiar to her as the back of her own hand. It was up to Bliss now to select the path that was right for her.

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