Leap of Faith

Posted on Mon Jun 16th, 2025 @ 7:40pm by Kurt Wagner & Jean Grey-Summers

3,638 words; about a 18 minute read

Mission: Episode 6: X-Fernus Agenda
Location: Baxter Building | Manhattan
Timeline: January 15th, 1991

With his expected bamf of brimstone, Kurt arrived in the hallway of the Baxter Building. He had dropped off Alaric for dinner earlier that day and returned at the agreed upon time to bring him home. But before he could even head down the hallway, Jean stepped out of her and Scott’s apartment to greet him.

“Hi, Kurt, thanks for playing taxi for us tonight.” Jean’s voice was hushed as she gently closed the door behind her. A signal that they wouldn’t be going inside the apartment. “Scott and Alaric are still talking, I wanted to give them a moment alone before he left. Would you like some tea in my office while we give them another minute?”

Kurt blinked at Jean as though he hadn't quite registered her question at first. His yellow eyes were slightly dimmer than usual, the faint scent of brimstone still clinging to the hallway air behind him. He usually stood straight out of habit, but his shoulders remained heavy, a fatigue that seemed to sink deeper than just the body.

The past few days—weeks, really—had worn him thin.

The detour to Kamar-Taj. The locked sanctum. The leap into Limbo with a hope so fragile it already felt like memory. And Alaric’s unfortunate confirmation that Wanda had never been there.

So far, Kamar-Taj was a dead end. Another one. And the ache of that loss gnawed deeper than he dared show. One disappointment after another had compounded into a world of loss. Finding Kamar-Taj and rescuing Wanda had been his reason for coming to America in the first place. Since New Year’s Eve, he had renewed that purpose to avoid… distractions. Despite the reunion of the missing Summers child now grown to manhood with Scott, Kurt still could not shake the feeling that the rug had been pulled out from under him.

And so when Jean spoke with her trademark gentleness and understanding, he blinked back to the present. Her kindness was a tether to the moment that was much needed. His mouth lifted in a small, tired smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Tea,” he repeated softly, his accent curling around the word. “Ja… zhat sounds lovely.”

“Okay, follow me.” Jean matched his soft tone as she guided him down a different hallway into the office space that made up X-Factor. She opened the door to her office and while the space was very different, there was something familiar about it. The furniture and the design, they made Kurt feel like he was in Xavier’s office back at the mansion. His influence ever present in Jean, she truly was his protégé.

“Have a seat.” Jean gestured to the loveseat and the armchairs across from her desk, while she sat in her office chair. An electric kettle that had already been filled was heating, almost like she knew Kurt would accept her offer for tea. “I want to thank you again for bringing Alaric back with you. Scott doesn’t have a lot of family and it’s the thing he wants the most for himself. When we lost Christopher, it hurt him deeply. Scott and I are about to embark on the next stage of our life together, the peace you’ve provided… I’ll be forever grateful to you.”

Kurt sat down on the loveseat and folded his hands in his lap. The room was warm and curated to be so, which stirred something bittersweet in him. His time at Xavier’s had been unlike any other time in his life. Now things seemed to be changing and he wasn’t sure where he would fit in the final lineup.

“Of course,” he said finally, voice just above a whisper. “It vas ze least I could do. For you… for Scott. After everysthingk you hef both given me, I vould cross a zhousand gates to bring him back a son.”

The kettle clicked behind her. Steam whispered from the spout. It drew Kurt’s attention for a second, but he quickly resumed his reply.

“I am alvays happy to help,” he added, his eyes drifting slowly toward the window as though searching for something far away. “Even if…” He trailed off. “…even if I cannot haf vhat I vas looking for.”

“You have a kind heart, Kurt.” Jean waved her hand and their mugs of tea began to steep themselves, “I’m sorry you didn’t find Wanda after everything that you have gone through. I know you haven’t given up hope, but it is definitely discouraging.”

She offered him a weak smile as they spoke, Jean could feel Kurt’s pain in addition to noting his obvious disappointment. She had once described him as sunlight through a stained glass window. His joy had the ability to fill a room, just like the glass’s kaleidoscope of colors. But now, shadows filled his mind like the space around him.“Pietro is upset too, but he’s trying to remain positive. He has a few friends in the city that he’s been leaning on for support. While you explore different options for finding Wanda, do you have anyone at the mansion that you can reach out to?”

“Ja, zhere is…” Kurt found himself hesitating even to speak her name, charged as it was with emotion. “Kennedy, ze Fraulein Resident Assistant. She vas ze first to velcome me on my arrival, und ve hef made a habit of morning coffee ever since.” There was a soft lilt to his voice as he talked about her that took the edge away from his weary sadness. “She has taught me ze nuances of American culture in ze newspaper in exchange for acrobatic und gymnastic training.”

“A name I have heard on more than one occasion.” Jean said with a slight smirk, “I’ve met her briefly and she seems lovely.”

His timid smile faltered. “But…zhings hef cooled of late. I zhink I hef offended her. Ve still meet for our coffee und our Danger Room lessons, but ve do not talk like ve did before. I do not know vhat I did wrong or if I did anysthingk at all.” He let out a sigh, forcing himself to wrap up his rambling. There was no hiding his admiration though. “But it vas she who made Kamar-Taj possible. Her power vas ze key to unlocking ze reconstructed relic. Ve could not hef found ze hidden city vithout her.”

“Did you ask her why things have changed between the two of you?” Jean crossed her legs and settled into her seat as they spoke. She could already tell she was going to have to lead Kurt through this. “Or did something of note happen between you two? I find it hard to believe that she would just stop talking to you without good reason.”

“No, eet is not zhat,” Kurt said with a shake of his head. “Ve still talk… eet just does not feel ze same as before…” He paused again, his cheeks flushed a little. “... before Christmas. I vas able to get us seats in ze rafters for Ze Nutcracker here ze city on Christmas Eve because zhat vas ze first ballet she saw vhen she vas ein kinder. Aftervards ve ate hotdogs by ze humongous Christmas tree und she vas so grateful und excited zhat… zhat she, uh, gave me a kiss.”

Kurt’s lips curled apart so widely he could barely pronounce the word. “She vas so embarrassed und begged me to forgive her uber excitement. Ze poor zhing felt so bad zhat she vent to midnight mass vith me aftervards!”

The way Kurt chuckled at that was with less amusement and more fondness than usual. “I assured her zhere vas nosthingk to forgive. But… zhings changed after zhat. She vent on a date vith a strange boy from ze coffee shop und talked about perhaps kissing him at ze stroke of midnight.” While Kurt’s jealousy was subtle, it was no less profound for it. “I do not know if zhey had anosther date. Perhaps it is not, how you say, business of mein, ja?” He shrugged. “It has been an awkvard vierzehn Tage.” He furrowed his brow. “Uh, fortnight? Two veeks? Ze whole new year!”

“So she kissed you but you didn’t kiss her? After which, she immediately found someone else to date?” Jean had already connected the dots but she wanted Kurt to do the same, he appeared to be a little clueless about what was happening. “And the idea of her seeing someone else upset you?”

When put in those words, Kurt found himself speechless. He couldn't deny any of that. It essentially summarized his entire story, so he'd be contradicting himself.

She chuckled a little as she paused and finished their tea. Phantom, telekinetic hands delivered the mugs to each of them. “Can I ask you a forward question, Kurt? Do you have any romantic feelings for Kennedy?”

“Nein! Zhat vould be inappropriate! Impossible! Foolish!” Before he knew it, Kurt's protest had put him on his feet, fingers coiled together into fists at his sides. Sheepishly he sank back down into the loveseat.

“Forgive me, I only meant zhat… vhat you say cannot be.” Kurt set his empty tea cup aside and did his best to rebuild his composure. “I vas, how you say, circus folk in betveen pledging to be a monk. I hef svorn to rescue Vanda. She is ze only person who never recoiled from my touch…” As he finished that thought to conclusion, he came to a startling realization. “...until Kennedy.”

Denial quickly kicked in, reinforced by years of alienation and rejection by society at large. “But, you see, zhat is only because she asked me to train her. Zhere is no room for romance on ze trapeze. Harboring such feelingks vould be a violation of trust und ze shame of Herr Professor’s school.”

Kurt's initial rebuttal was presented, which then led his gaze and disposition to turn downcast. “Besides… I know ze Kelly name is liken unto nobility. She can hef her pick of so many young men zhat only a fool vould even put a poor ugly monk on her list of suitors.” His mouth laughed, but his golden eyes frowned and it tinged his half-hearted chuckle. “It sounds so ridiculous, ja?”

“I don’t think it’s ridiculous, love doesn’t care about such trivial things.” Jean took a sip from her tea before she continued, “But try to see it from her perspective. There was enough chemistry between the two of you for her to kiss you. Making the first move can put you in a vulnerable position, especially when the act isn’t returned. She was embarrassed and apologized afterwards because it was genuine. Right after that, she finds someone else to take her on a date, that’s her rebounding from the rejection she felt. Now things are different between the two of you because she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings.” She shrugged her shoulders, “To me, it seems like Kennedy tried to make her feelings known for you, and when they weren’t reciprocated, she attempted to move on.”

Jean paused and let that realization sink in before she continued, “She’s trying to get over you, Kurt. If you don’t have any romantic feelings for her, just give her some space and some time. She’s trying to come to terms with you not wanting to be with her. But you can’t be jealous of anyone who she does end up dating, if you don’t love her back, you have to let her go.”

The conflict on Kurt's face was clear in the way his crinkling brow did a jig with his quivering jaw. Words were there in his throat that would argue what Jean said, but Kurt's heart was not in them and would not consent for them to be uttered.

“She…she…loves me?” Kurt asked the question just a hair above a whisper. “Like a voman loves a man?” His eyes bulged in disbelief. “How could zhat be? Look at me!” He flicked his tail aside as it idly waved at the edge of his field of vision. “Even if I did not look like a monster from ze fairy tale, I hef nosthingk to offer her. Vhy vould a highborn lady like her vant me?”

“You should be asking her these questions.” Jean said with a small laugh, “But I think that she has already told you all of this, you just haven’t been listening...” A smug smile curled Jean’s lips as she spoke, “Then again, none of that matters because you don’t love her in return, right?”

Kurt dry swallowed the lump in his throat at the question. “I… I… care for her very much. She is so kind uund I do not know vhat I vould do wisthout her greeting me every day in zhat vibrant vay zhat quiets ze storm of not knowing vhat I am doing in zhis land. I am so very proud of who she is becoming. I am overjoyed to see her so happy vhen she dances or learns acrobatics. Her sadness physically pains me. Und vhen I saw vhat ze Hellfire Club did to her, I almost cursed ze man responsible.”

Looking around the room as if answers would jump out from the corners and present themselves, Kurt floundered a moment. He took a steadying breath before looking back at Jean. “Is zhat ze love you mean?”

“Possibly,” Jean replied with a less than satisfactory answer. “I can tell you that I love Scott because he is my favorite person. We find comfort and joy in each other’s presence and there is nothing I can’t face without him by my side and I only want tomorrow if he is in it. But there is also passion between us, it’s a fire that burns so effortlessly and consumes us completely. When I say I love Scott it is with my whole body, heart, and soul. That is the love that I am talking about. Have you ever felt a spark with her?”

Immediately Kurt's mind leapt back to that stolen kiss on Christmas Eve. The thought of it snaked a grin across his face.

“Ja, I may hef felt a spark,” he admitted bashfully. “But…” Kurt was about to say it would be inappropriate, but in the way Jean framed it for him, that really wasn't the case. It came down to a matter of what he wanted. His question changed to a more practical one. “... but how do I know? Vhat if she is only being kind und I ruin everysthingk by forcing her to choose me or ze life she can haf visthout me?”

“All great things are not without risk, love is no exception.” Jean’s voice shifted back to a more gentle tone, “You have to decide if that risk is worth the reward. If you love her and you want to be with her, then tell her that. If you don’t see a future with her, then you can’t be bitter when she tries to find love with someone else. You’ll have to let her go, just like you did with Wanda.”

That hit Kurt between the eyes. He had let Wanda go all those years ago because he'd had no choice. She had left him for Magneto's Brotherhood. He had gone back to the monastery to wait for her, finally taking it upon himself to go track her down when she went missing. But, in finding Kamar-Taj as surely as by the hand of Providence, Kurt realized part of him had let Wanda go as well. He realized it had been purpose which drove his mission as much as love. Where did that leave him?

“I know not vhat I can see,” Kurt admitted at length. “Realize, kind Jean, zhat I spent ze last seven years… suppressing any notion of ‘being’ vith someone as you describe.” That confession made even his search for Wanda sound ridiculous. Kurt put his hands over his face and sighed. “I do not vant to be bitter. I do not vant to reject Kennedy eizher, zhat is a curse I vould not put upon her out of anybody in ze entire vorld. But vhat if I am wrong? Vhat if she is wrong? Vhat if ve are wrong?” Kurt lowered his hands to reveal his quivering chin. “Zhat is not a matter of managing risk und revard, Jean. Zhat is leaping vithout looking. I can traverse to any place in ze vorld und I hef done so, but never vithout knowing vhere I am going. My ability requires zhat I must know vhere I end up before I can get zhere. So how do I know… zhis?”

“Sometimes your head and your heart can be at odds with one another; it creates an enormous amount of conflict in a person.” Jean tried to guide Kurt as she dared him to think about things in a new way but ultimately he would have to come to his own conclusion. “This matter is a matter of the heart. What is your heart telling you to do?”

Kurt was quiet for a long moment. “Zhat… is a question I fear may take some time to answer. My head, as you say, is quite loud.” He lowered his head. “I did not elaborate vith Scott, but ve found Aurora. I vould call her a captive, zhough her prison is not Kamar-Taj. She is a prisoner of her own mind. I did not know her vell, but she said she did everysthingk for ze love of her child.” He looked at the doorway and to the reunion between father and son that was taking place as they spoke. “My heart fears vhat may befall a beautiful fraulein who falls in love vith ze wrong man. If Kennedy vere somehow to share ze same fate as Aurora on my account, zhen I might never forgive myself.”

“Aurora’s mind was fractured long before she ever encountered Scott. What happened to her was terrible but her fate and her downfall were because of her connection to Sinister, not to Scott or Alaric. I don’t think Kennedy is at risk of anything like that happening to her.” Jean thought about how new Kurt was to this lifestyle as an X-Man. “If you are afraid of this world and of an adventurous life, you might as well go back to the monastery. Do not hold back and avoid living out of fear of what could be. Life is messy and it can hurt, but it is also so beautiful. Love is the greatest gift you will ever receive, do not deny yourself that gift because you are afraid of what might happen.”

She leaned forward in her seat as she dared to push Kurt forward once more. “You only talk about what would happen if things didn’t work out, if you are the wrong choice. But what if you were the right choice? What if you made her happy and she really loved you? What if loving you lifted her up and made her better? There are two sides to every coin, Kurt. You have to think about both possibilities.”

Nodding in understanding if not agreement, Kurt steadied his turgid emotions. “Ja. You make a solid point, Jean. I suppose zhat is vhat I must come to see so zhat I may bamf zhere.” Sticking his tongue against his cheek, he let out a chuckle. “Or perhaps it is not somesthingk zhat can be jumped over. Vhat vould be ze point of love if it had a shortcut? ‘Ve valk by faith, not by sight.’ I may not be able to bamf blindly but… I could take a step of faith, ja?”

“It’s scary but it’s worth it.” Jean telepathically reached out for Scott as she spoke, a soft caress of her presence in his mind that let him know she was fondly thinking about him. “Listen to your heart and if the moment is right, it will tell you what to do. It will feel less like a blind leap of faith and more like a step in the right direction.”

Kurt chuckled at that with his usual cheerful demeanor coming back through. “Ah, Jean, zhose two zhings are ein und ze same, or at least zhey ought to be.” He nodded in gratitude. “You hef given much to consider. I zhank you for challenging me to take ze hard look. Admittedly…” He lowered his head almost in shame. “... I judge myself so zhat osthers may not. But I see now zhis is not visdom, it is vanity und false humility, somesthingk zhat I should not do. Perhaps…zhings… vill look different vhen I stop doing zhis.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, your life has changed dramatically over these past several months. It’s no surprise that you are challenging yourself, thinking about things differently… growing is uncomfortable sometimes.” Jean’s attention turned towards the door and an unheard conversation from down the hall. “Alaric is ready to go now, that is if you are?”

“Ja…” Kurt stood to his feet and waved the tea cup around, wondering where to set it. “Zhank you for ze tea.” He settled for letting the tea cup float away under Jean’s telekinetic power. “I vill see you at ze vedding rehearsal if not before.” He waved and disappeared in a puff of smoke with a friendly, “Tschüss!”

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